DirtSwimming

WHERE CHICAGO VIEWS THE REST OF LIFE.

Friday, September 08, 2006

German-American Fest 9/8 - 9/10


Some of us will be out at the German-American Fest this weekend in Lincoln Square. We'll try to take pictures of interesting, weird, and hot blondes. For more information go to here.

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 18


We decided to skip over the 17th amendment because no one is protected by it, nor are they affected by it. So we jump to the most devastating moment in US History. One that affected everyone. 12/18/1917, though it's effect took place two years later.

After one year from the ratification of this article the manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors within, the importation thereof into, or the exportation thereof from the United States and all territory subject to the jurisdiction thereof for beverage purposes is hereby prohibited.



Some people along the Bible Belt still abide by this amendment. Get with the times. He turned water into wine. "This is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant." You know what He was talking about? Wine you idiots! And you ban it? Jesus Christ that is blasphemy.

Nice Try


Anyone who still thinks Lysol covers up the smell of your body's disapproval of your lunch is living a fairy tale. When you have an office that is 10x10 and no ventilation other than your door, it is even harder to cover that up. Lysol just insults peoples intelligence. Here are a couple of solutions to your hopeless situation:
1. Go to the God damn bathroom.
2. Let it happen, and let people enter at their own risk. Act casual. Looking nervous leads people to think you are covering something up (i.e. A Fart).
3. Cut back on franchise food.
4. Permanently install air fresheners that can be bought at any local drug store. That way, you can blame your garbage.
5. Blame the garbage, but make sure you have a brown bag in there as a decoy.
6. Eat healthier. Studies have shown that water and vegetables flushes the system of toxins, aka red meat.
7. Leave your office or cubicle immediately. This will confuse people. But be sure to count to 10 before leaving. Otherwise you will trail that demon wherever you go.
8. Don't play dumb. You will look dumb.
9. The Olfactory System works from birth. It has lots of practice and can seldom be fooled.
10. Shutting the door behind you contains what firemen call a backdraft.
11. Fanning the air creates an invisible perimeter. However, it stays long after the deed is done. Thus, busting you.

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 16


The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.









Explain the census and enumeration part again.

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 15


The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.







Why does everything wrong happen in Florida? Why, of all states, did the fraud take place in the state where the candidate's brother is governor?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 14


All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.
No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.




Reasons why you should go back where you came from:
Your child is NOT a US citizen because: Children born to aliens who are lawfully inside the United States (resident or visitor, not trespasser), with the intention of amicably interacting with its people and obeying its laws.
You lost your citizenship, or any chance of getting it because: Fraud in the naturalization process. You were working under a false social security number.

A special thanks to the government for making her a martyr. But as much as she has worn out her welcome in the US, she will wear out her welcome in the Adalberto United Methodist Church, who can also face charges for aiding and abetting an illegal immigrant.

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 13


Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.








And before any one gets hostile, the picture above signifies not that we do not approve of the amendment. We believe that it is embarassing enough that a nation actually has to have an amendment prohibiting slavery, and that people at one time were not looked at as anything more than property. It is a shameful time in US history. But the picture above shows an exploitation of US history. At the time, slavery was not illegal. Today it is. No crime was committed at the time, though it was highly immoral. Many things are highly immoral: opium farming, swearing in front of children, abandoning your child, looking for handouts, and blaming you current situation for something that ended 141 years ago. It is an act of Reverse Slavery, in that people are bringing current billion dollar corporations to their mercy, dragging their names into the media, claiming they had their origins in slavery. Applause to all judges who punt these complaints out of their court rooms.

*Author's note: My family came to this country long after slavery ended without a dime in their pockets. They worked their asses off so their children would learn values and work ethic. Their children taught it to their children, and so on. I am not a product of slavery, nor am I a prosperer from it. I am the product of the American Dream.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

How to get back at your Roommate


Has your roommate eaten your leftovers? Has he publicly humiliated you at a party? Short on comebacks? Here are six fool proof pranks to pull on your room mate that will buy you enough time to get across state lines. Just be sure your room isn't near theirs.
1. Pour milk in his shoe. It'll be wet, but will be rancid as hell when it dries and spoils.

2. Put bologna under his mattress. That'll stink like hell.

3. Pee on his bed. But don't drink alot of water before doing it. Make it nice and potent with ammonia and uric acid.

4. Nail his shoes to the floor. This will have a long term effect in rainy weather. Or poke holes in his shoes in the grooves so they are less noticeable. Any puddle or wet surface will leave wet socks and a nasty funk over time.

5. Vomit on his bedroom floor on "accident".

6. Poo in his shoe. My friend's brother with Downs Syndrome did that to me when I was 9 and I didn't even do anything.

Fantasy Football Begins

The Northside Busch League had their 2006 draft over Labor Day weekend. Our money is on Munters.

Memory Lane: Partying at Another College Vol. 2


"I once got picked up by a police car at 3:45 in the morning at Purdue University. I had been drinking most of the night and I got separated from my friends so I was just wandering around. The cop asked me what I was doing, and I said I was lost from my friends, I was from chicago, and I needed to get to 415 Fowler St. He had me take a breathalyzer. It was .08, the legal limit for driving and I guess public intox. He said, 'Alright, hop inthe car, I'll give you a ride.' We get to my buddy's house, the cop knocks on the door, one of my friend's answers wearing his boxer's, obviously just having been woken up by the knocking on the door. I immediately say to the cop, 'That's Jason F-----.' the cop says to him, 'You know this guy?'. He replies, 'Yeah, that's D." The cop goes, 'Ok, you can have him.' The lesson? Always know the address you need to be at."

Memory Lane: Partying at Another College Vol. 1


"Went down to Illinois State. We were at aparty that my friend knew about. We got there around 9pm. The exact words of my friend D were "Hey P, drink as much as you can at this partybecause I think everything else is dead tonight". We were 19 so we couldn'tbuy. I ended up getting pretty ripped playing quarters and 2,3,5 man. Someguy was hungry so we went to La Bamba. I ended up eating 2 Steak burrittos 'the size of your head', and was developing a bit of a bloated, gassy, stretched stomach. As we are staggering back to his place, we meet up withsome other people who say 'Hey there's this all Vodka party at So n Sos'. Everyone started following him. I heard the word 'Vodka' and nearly puked. I remember that he lived on Mulberry St. and was a 1/2 block from a dead end. I couldn't remember if his address was 315 or 513. So I figured I'd risk the 1.95 block difference. It turned out to be 315 and I passed out on the couch on his porch. That was better than the time I stopped to take a leak,the leak turned into a flood and by the time I stepped out from between two houses, they were gone. I tried to catch up but couldn't find them. I passed a party and knew that the one we were going to was on this street. I paid $5 at the door, got a cup, took another leak, drank about 4 beers, and realized I was at the wrong party. So I left and kept going and passed another house a few doors down. I whipped out my wallet again when I heard 'P, NOT THAT ONE EITHER!!!'. I turned around and they were on the porch of a house drinking. They were laughing their asses off at me and gave me my $5 back for having the guts to hang out at a party to whichI knew no one for a whole hour. College was the best."

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 12



The Electors shall meet in their respective states, and vote by ballot for President and Vice-President, one of whom, at least, shall not be an inhabitant of the same state with themselves; they shall name in their ballots the person voted for as President, and in distinct ballots the person voted for as Vice-President, and they shall make distinct lists of all persons voted for as President, and of all persons voted for as Vice-President, and of the number of votes for each, which lists they shall sign and certify, and transmit sealed to the seat of the government of the United States, directed to the President of the Senate;
The President of the Senate shall, in the presence of the Senate and House of Representatives, open all the certificates and the votes shall then be counted;
The person having the greatest number of votes for President, shall be the President, if such number be a majority of the whole number of Electors appointed; and if no person have such majority, then from the persons having the highest numbers not exceeding three on the list of those voted for as President, the House of Representatives shall choose immediately, by ballot, the President. But in choosing the President, the votes shall be taken by states, the representation from each state having one vote; a quorum for this purpose shall consist of a member or members from two-thirds of the states, and a majority of all the states shall be necessary to a choice. And if the House of Representatives shall not choose a President whenever the right of choice shall devolve upon them, before the fourth day of March next following, then the Vice-President shall act as President, as in the case of the death or other constitutional disability of the President.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 11


The Judicial powers of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State.







Textile plants and refineries are getting away with murder. Literally. Shouldn't a state be responsible, really responsible, for regulating it's industry's output?

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendments 9 & 10


Number 9: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Number 10: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.






We're not be lazy here. Nor are we skipping ahead. These are the broadest statements an English-speaking person could ever read. But in any event, Texas seems to exploit these amendments as far as the law allows.

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 8


Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.











Just to give you enough opportunities to make sure your life (and someone else's) is completely destroyed.

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 7


In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.













Seriously. How hard is it to stay out of trouble? What did you like about jail the first time that you would set yourself up to go back?

The 219th Annual Carnival Ticket: Amendment 6


In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.






"[Fat, Drunk, and] Stupid is no way to go through life."