DirtSwimming

WHERE CHICAGO VIEWS THE REST OF LIFE.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Food Review: Restaurant 360 at the CN Tower in Toronto


One of Chicago's very own traveled to the land of our friendly (and border cooperating) neighbors to the north and visited among other things, Toronto. While Toronto has more than its share of sushi restaurants, we didn't have any Asian food the entire trip. The height (pun) of our dinner experience was supposed to be Restaurant 360 and it's 1,150 foot altitude above the world, it was anything but that. As was read on a website, the trip to the observation deck is complimentary with the order of any main entree. Fair enough. The cost of going up was not seen but has to be comparable to the price of the Sears Tower or the observation deck of the Hancock building, if you choose not to go to the Signature Room. The average main entree is about $30, give or take a few cents. We opted for the Prix Fixe, which included an Amuse Bouche, Appetizer, Main Entree, and Dessert for $68. The decision was to go with the baked oysters. Since the seating in the restaurant rotates, and the central part does not, one gets to see the kitchen, bathroom doors, front desk, and wine closet without ever leaving their seat. My first indication of dinner should have been the countless awards for Ambience. Usually that means smoke and mirrors. When my amuse bouche came, it was a single dryed-out oyster still attached by it's membrane to the shell. There was a lot of lettuce. Ambience. The appetizer arrived promptly and was a French Onion Soup with truffles and foie gras. Hands down, the best Onion soup I have ever had in my life, and can possibly rank in the top 10 of best soups I've eaten. If I had known the rest of the meal was headed where it was headed, I would've ordered 5 more soups at $9 a bowl. My entree arrived, double-smoked bacon wrapped tiger shrimp with organic atlantic cod. The plate had two medium sized shrimp on it, far smaller than any other tiger shrimp I've eaten, and almost two filets worth of cod. There were generous slices of artichoke and the other vegetables were fantastic, even in the absence of more shrimp. A deceiving listing to say the least. Finally my dessert came, the Chocolate Tower. A 5 inch high cylinder of white and dark chocolate filled with chocolate mousse, drizzled in raspberry syrup and other syrups I cannot immediately recall. At that moment, I realized I really did pay for my trip to the top, and be served mediocre food at best. The dessert was delicious, but not worth the bother. If I went again, I would steer far and wide of the Prix Fixe, and focus on the drink and appetizers instead.

Drink Review: Extra Strength Dieters' II True-Slim Tea




Upon a trip to a Japanese market, I scanned the aisles for the most herbal, ethnic tea I could find to cleanse my soul, my blood, and my body. White and Green tea do the trick, as does Chamomile on nights when the wind blows a little too hard. In aisle 6, situated between the Oolong leaves and the ramble of Kanji, I found my salvation: a drink that would help lose the freshman 15, and continue to eat the crap I challenge myself to everyday.

My first indication of the seriousness of the situation, were the testimonies inside the green box. The individuals who swore by the product had shed weight faster than a bomber plane low on fuel. The specimens each weighed in excess of 250 lbs, compared to my varying 177 lb structure. My goal was to reach my 18th birthday weight of 160 lbs, and had been within striking distance a year earlier with an altered Atkins diet, starving myself of my sacred Thai lunches and Italian dinners. Blueberry oatmeal breakfasts were replaced by sugar free jello and fat free cottage cheese, portioned. Swimming the mile each day may have helped, though there are studies that show swimming increases your appetite. Nonetheless, I achieved a 17 lb drop in 6 weeks, a marvel even for someone twice my size. 10% of your body weight is big. Though I gained only half of it back, I was not happy with the change. I yearned for something easier, healthier, and Asian. The box contains 12 tea bags, put together by child workers with boat oars. If the word mishandling is mentioned in the presence of the bag in water, flossing will be your chore. The box mentioned, not cautioning or warning, of first time users encountering "loose stool" the first few times the tea is drunk. "Loose" is a word that should have more footnotes than meanings. What I encountered was far greater than anything considered loose. I encountered "extra-strength".

As if fearing a lawsuit, or an objection to legality, the box prints the FDA number on the front, third line down. No. L10028390. A number I will never play in the lottery. Or perhaps I should. I can win the lottery, buy the company, and relabel the box with newer, realistic precautions. The first dozen that come to mind are:
1. True-Slim waits until you are at least one mile from your house or any sanitary toilet before it activates.
2. True-Slim assumes role when you are carrying 2 40 lb bags of topsoil and your keys have fallen in tall grass.
3. The tea will give you the worst stomach cramps you have ever felt, if you aren't a woman.
4. Since you won't have time to check when the panic button is pushed, be sure to have toilet paper on hand, and within reach.
5. If you have made it this far, it will be as far as you go.
6. True-Slim knows no boundaries. It does not descriminate. Especially when on a ladder.
7. Do not assume you have gas. You will be disappointed.
8. Do NOT consume before alcohol.
9. Do NOT consume on an anniversary.
10. If you have had issues for 5 days, True-Slim cannot help you. Proceed to aisle 8 of your local pharmacy.
11. Bring something to read. Perhaps that biography of John Adams you've been meaning to finish.
12. Takes 4-5 hours to begin. Carry a watch. With new batteries. And a second hand.

I have been through 11 bags, and am staring at the last one. $3.68 has been spent on agony, and limitations no human or living thing should encounter. You can set records for how many bathrooms you can use in 5 minutes. I have used all three toilets in my own house just going from the bedroom to the wash machine. I can cut my losses and enjoy my day tomorrow. I can continue to curse the Canadians for doing this to me. I didn't learn in Sault Sainte Marie. I didn't learn in Montreal. I could've learned in Vancouver if I had stayed that long, but Toronto, Niagara Falls, and Mississauga did it, and did it good. The bag is going in the garbage. Fool me 11 times, shame on you. Fool me 12 times, shame on me.