Famous for being Famous: Get a Life

*Author’s Note – This will be the only time these individuals will be mentioned or written about on this site. This is a cleansing process, and establishing the position of this team.

DirtSwimming does not like celebrity gossip. Nor does it like people seeking to be in the news, rather than becoming the news by some act that will change our 401k. There are celebrities that can’t seem to get away from the news, be it their drug habits, firearm skills, mistaken home invasion, or deaths in their families. But there are other celebrities, that pay their publicists entirely too much money, to publish to the world that they have a new keychain, or are dating another celebrity, or forgot to pay a parking meter. Many news sources should be ashamed of themselves, releasing these stories sometimes one link below a tragic events in war and on the homefront. Many times, Dirtswimming will read a story about these folks in hopes that they are announcing retirement and a life of seclusion in the Black Hills of South Dakota. We haven’t had that luck. We do not wish death or harm on these people, we just want them to go away.

We here have put together of people who are famous for being famous, as well as starving for attention that they will do anything to make the headlines, and compared them to people of similar status who have taken what life has given them, and used and made something worthwhile to read about.

Paris Hilton
Without getting sued for slander, we will keep it as clean and professional as possible. Her ventures are failures. Her voice is as bad as a drunken Polish neighbor singing Stola. Her acting is something the UPN wouldn’t air at 2am. We feel that a person like her would become the spokesperson for the hotel empire that produced her. While far from royalty, she would contribute a helping hand to our folks in deprived countries. She would become an authority on one thing, even if it was wigwam socks. Instead, she is the true queen of flip-flopping. She has an interest of the week. She stamps her name on a product and leaves it in the dust. And makes the news for absolutely no GD reason at all. We have to read about her new video, her watches, her clubs, her appearances, her arguments with other losers who will be listed below, her car accidents, her secret video released without her consent (yeah right). While our only information is what we are splattered with in the papers, we feel it is time to take on a life of fading away. Your time will come, but not soon enough.

Vs.

Ivanka Trump
We feel this is Paris Hilton’s opposite in the Daddy’s Rich section. Ivanka has been given a very nice spot in her old man’s company. If it was nepotism, there are no complaints here. At least she is doing something positive with her connections. She may love to shop, she may love to party, or she may not. We don’t care. But the important thing is, we don’t know, and she doesn’t want us to know. Your parents raised you well young lady.

Lindsay Lohan
Her problems have been in the news as long as we can remember. Some of it was not her fault. Her family life was something of an after school special, and far from a Hallmark Sunday night classic. But we are tired or reading about the partying, the feuding, the car accidents, the broken nails, and anything else you have sat on. You want to act? Do it.

Vs.

Hillary Duff
We feel this is Lohan’s opposite in the Grows’d Up actress/singer category. Not sure what we read, but it is never negative. Life seems good, and we haven’t read about any rehab stints yet. Keep it that way. Same goes for her sister.

Britney Spears
Has so much in her life been taken care of, that all she knows how to do is breathe? We understand that the diseased dogs called the paparazzi tracks her every wrong move, but there seems to be plenty of them. But the real issue is what she feeds them, and that is negative vibes. The worst thing a celebrity can do to a paparazzo is to give them nothing to write about at all. When you carry your baby like a sack of onions, that gets noticed. When you chew gum in an interview, it shows lack of class. But she’s from the south so it is understood. She marries every father’s worst nightmare, and then stays with him. What happened to the squeaky clean gent from your hometown? Her birth religion was Southern Baptist and it didn’t let her down. You can’t deny a higher power exists when she left that behind for the religion of the month in Hollywood, and her world started turning.

Vs.

Christina Aguilera
We feel this is Spears’ opposite in the Pop Singer category. She played it smart and married a record executive, and left the controversy behind. Besides, she is a charitable person, for good or ill intentions, but someone is prospering. Hang on to this life and you’ll go places.

Nicole Ritchie
Her last name is the only reason she is anything. Her celebrity status is almost that of ours. The only thing important on her bio on imdb.com is that she is lawfully related to Lionel. When she thinks she is out of the news, she drops another 20 lbs. Write a book. Paint a mural. Do something constructive.

Vs.

Natalie Cole
We feel this is Ritchie’s opposite to Father Was a Great Singer category. Too tired and bored to do any research on whereabouts and what to dos, but we know it was more and better than Lionel’s daughter.

Madonna
47 year old women should be setting the trends for 47 year old women. She is as fake as it gets when morals come into play. We could go on forever about her, but simply let her fake English accent, faux devotion to an almost dead belief, and Aretha Franklinesque behavior speak for itself.

Vs.

Sheryl Crow
We feel this is Louise Ciccone’s opposite to 40+ Artist. She is home grown, beautiful, and less headlining. We like it that way.

Finally, Anna Nicole Smith
You can thank your two friends for making you famous. The more she does the dumber we get.

Vs.

Dolly Parton
We feel this is Smith's opposite when it comes to what DirtSwimming Notices First category.
She let everything else with her body bring her to her status. Keep on Truckin.