Memory Lane: The short life of Clemens

When Prospector was in 5th grade in the Chicago Public School system, a transfer student came through our door in mid October. Odd time of the year considering he only spent one month at another school before transfering here. At that age, we hated the parents who put their kids through the misery of 60 eyes working them up and down as they nervously wish they were never born. Homer Clemens was his name and since The Simpsons were still nestled into the Tracey Ulman show, he was spared several of todays mannerisms. Homer walked in with the principal with a get up that Prospector doesn't recall, but Prospector does know that he had an explosion of mud on the left side of his body. He broke the ice by flat out telling the class when his older sister pulled the car around the block, she whipped into a spot that had rainwater in it. He said it with such sincerity, not like a kid who tried to deny he messed his pants when it is otherwise unmistakable. The quarter progressed with Homer getting into plenty of trouble, usually for telling it like it was and not moving fast enough when bad things happened.
One day in Januaryish, Homer went missing for about a week. We thought he was either thrown out or transferred out. Turns out, one kid from class brought in a news clipping from the paper with Homer's name in it. Homer, who lived in Portage Park, was walking along the lakefront when his homework flew out of his bag, and of all places, on to the frozen tundra of Lake Michigan. Suddenly, and as Homer luck would have it, the ice broke just as he reached his homework and fell in to his waist. A passerby just so happened to be walking by and managed to rescue Homer before frostbite could arrive. He did probably have hypothermia and that was probably why he missed a few days of school.
Well, when he returned to school, he was Homer for about a week, before his name changed. The 5th grader formerly known as Homer, was now Leo, named after the great no one in particular. No one asked other than Homer was now put in the backseat. Homer was still Leo, and Leo was still Homer, and everyone loved having this kid around.
Then one day in March, Leo (Homer) disappeared again for about a week. With the amount of non-aggressive trouble he always got in, people figured he was either thrown out or transferred out. And since the ice had melted, we thought maybe he went back to get his homework. Turns out, he was using his sister's hairdryer (???) and, seriously, he left it on and left (think about it or don't, doesn't matter to me). Cause and effect: Hairdryer next to a bottle of hairspray on top of a Teen Beat magazine causes things to, I don't know, ignite. He burnt down the Goddamn house! When he finally got back to school, our teacher couldn't hold back and asked him if he had his homework, and would give him double credit if he did. He had a black eye, but we found out it was from his sister who was infatuated with Kirk Cameron at the time, and he ruined that issue.
Back to normal for a few days, he came back in and said his name was now Joe. So now, he would be addressed as Joe Leo Homer Clemens. None of us bought it or had the Chicago Public School capability of grasping that, so he became known as Homer...Leo..Joe...Clemens. 30 against 1, he was back to Homer in our eyes. Well, as noted earlier, our teacher had to take time off due to his illness, and we had the most psychotic substitute teacher you have ever known in your life. She gave a girl a detention for having to go to the bathroom after 5 hours, and sent Prospector to the principal for laughing. She turned off all of the lights to our science experiments on grass growing, and sent Prospector back to the principal for laughing at that. She marched us into an assembly for 7th and 8th graders only, a half hour late, and yet again sent Prospector to the principal for laughing.
Well Joe (Leo)(Homer) for once was in check because Prospector thinks he met his match. One day, one of the bussed in kids had enough of her and told her to kiss his b---- ass. At first, the mood in the room was as if nothing was ever said. Too many people were in shock that he said that, and that he said that out loud, and that he said that to a teacher, and that he said that to her. She stormed at this kid like Forrest Gump did when that guy hit Jenny. She started screaming at the kid and flailing her arms. She was moving them so fast that no one realized she had a pencil in her hand until she stuck poor Joe (Leo)(Homer) in the arm with it. He let out a yelp of a puppy and when his body reacted from the pain, he must've either kicked her or slapped her with his clutch hand. At that moment, the teacher redirected her screaming at Joe and sent him to the Vice Principal. The vice principal was more of a hard ass than the principal.
We never saw Homer Leo Joe Clemens again. He was expelled for too many infractions.