Don't be THAT Guy

Every news source we here at DirtSwimming read is about how we as people are destroying the environment with our SUVs, charcoal BBQs, weed killer, and complete disregard for electricity. We take offense to that. SUVs are put to better use than any 12mpg 2-seater on the road. As the owner of a house reaching the century mark, it needs more work than your average suburban townhouse (which was built on natural air-filtering, prairie grass). As men of honor, we take after our ancestors and enjoy meat over flame. It was how they did it back in the day, it is how we will do it now.
But the true violators are not Americans themselves, or the Chinese, or New Yorkers. They are nocturnal predators. Single men who favor the nightlife in search of their stress release on all-too-suspecting women who are guilty of the same offenses. We could give a rundown off all the vices women impose on the world, but we love women, even if we are married. And furthermore, we want women to love us, even if we are married.
So the scumbags are to blame. And we here have a long list of ways they can curb their destruction to the only planet we have to piss on. The likelihood that their ways will change, but you can only lead a horse to water. So without further adieu, we add to the soon to be worn out trend of bettering the environment.
Energy Savings:
-Ditch the hair-dryer. Not only are they unsafe (sink full of shaving water), but they are loud and electrical sponges.
-It is unnecessary to fulfill your masculine needs by converting your apartment/condo/house into Caesar’s Palace Sports Book. ESPN is fine to have on in the living room, but in stereo is a waste of juice. Besides it can only be heard in passing, because of course you have Gnarls Barkley blaring thru your PC speakers, and Deep Dish blaring on the CD player in the bathroom. If you weren’t charging your iPod, and cell phone in the kitchen, you might have an outlet for a radio in there. Your electric bill must be a part of your rent or else you’d care.
-While the fridge cools the testicles and dries up the swamp ass on a July evening, decide what you want to eat/drink before you get to the door. You have ketchup, Kraft singles, a pickle, soy sauce packets, three beers, one liter of a 2 liter of Coke, and Easter bunny chocolate. Your have a finite amount of choices. You are thirsty and it is a Wednesday, Coke or Beer. You are hungry, Kraft or Chocolate. You have to have thought of this on the way to the kitchen. Open, grab, close. You just saved 500lbs of coal being burned.
-Stop hitting snooze on the alarm clock and get your ass up. Why not earn more money than you spend?
-PS2, a DVD player, 60 disc CD changer, 32 inch TV: needed and exempt.
-Save a few more dollars and stop charging the battery for the camera you are putting in the closet when you get your freak on. It is almost illegal, and if found, you can kiss the night club good bye.
-Buy energy efficient bulbs. They cost a few dollars more, but they save lots of extra energy and effort.
Water Conservation:
-Shaving at the sink is encouraged. Shaving in the shower is helpful, but you have to have that soul patch and those side burns just right.
-Give up on the courtesy flush. If it didn’t go down and wash the walls on the way out, you need to change your diet.
-The worst shower in Chicago will warm up in 5 minutes. In that time, take care of all other tasks that would use up unneeded water and power. Don’t occupy that time by masturbating on the toilet.
-Pee in the shower. But only when showering. Studies have shown the uric acid not only kills harmful bacteria on your feet, but kills whatever is trying to climb up that drain pipe.
Fuel Consumption:
-Cruising for women was dying in the 80s and was dead in the 90s. Stop it. Gas is $3.25 a gallon. What the hell do you do for a living?
- Peeling off of a light is about as cool as racing to the front of the line in a cafeteria when you were 16. People shook their heads then, and still do now.
-Valet Parking. While DirtSwimming doesn’t pay for parking ever, it certainly saves on driving around for a ½ hour looking for the perfect spot. Taxis help too.
-A guy has never been turned down for driving an economy car, as long as it wasn’t his mother’s.

Now that we have paved the way to a more environmental chap, he will have plenty more money in the trousers to spend all over town.